On the Will to Live

Amaly Celeste: May 17 - June 17 - Forever

There is an ache that takes hold of me
deep at its core
it is an ocean of loss,
of love smothered
Amaly, my child
Amaly
name I still call in my sleep,
with the enormousness of longing,
to love her,
to mother her,
to be frustrated and tired by her
to have bore witness to the life
she would have lived

odd as it is, to embrace the ache is like
holding her again
in the cradle of those
moments in which
she looked back
at me with the
the brilliance of recognition
"Mami, I know you, I am glad you are here"

it is a month-long ache
the seventeenth of may to the seventeenth of june
every day weighted by the
simultaneity of living and remembering
on this day...
I labored for twelve hours
on this day...
she was still in a coma
on this day...
they removed life support
on this day...
we went before Yemaya
on this day
we brought her home
on this day
she took her last breath...

blessed by the ache
blessed by the child
Amaly Celeste
forever

A picture that captures my baby boy's joy despite the pain he has endured

Home and on the mend...

Hello everyone,

I wanted to send one last email to tell you that we brought our sweet Marcel Joao home on Monday. He is recovering without medical complications and emotionally as best he can considering what he has been through - he really is a courageous spirit. Together we are trying to process what happened in that intensive care unit-- each of us in a different way -- somewhat altered by the trauma of it all.

Thank you again for all of the positivity and light sent our way. It was so wonderful to know that we were not alone in all of that darkness.

un fuerte abrazo,
Aida
www.blogamama.blogspot.com

p.s. a photo of him smiling as soon as he got home

Dear Family and Friends,

I've just come home from Children's hospital for a minute to eat and shower after having spent the last 24+ hours there. Our baby Joao's heart repair surgery was considered a success by the cardiac surgeons and team. While it is very difficult to see his tender body attached to every machine imaginable and experience strong periodic pain, they tell us that he is recovering beautifully. When I left him with his sweet father at his side, he was still in critical but stable condition. We are told that Joao will slowly be removed from each machine/medicine and that he's made it through the scariest part.

I want to thank so many of you whose positive words and thoughts helped envelope Joao in a warm blanket of love. Based on how well he is doing, I truly believe that those intentions are propelling him forward. Please keep praying.

I'm sorry if I could not respond to your individual emails (some from friends I hadn't connected with in so long) filled with so many stories that show me that we are not alone in suffering and triumphing in our human condition. Your experiences and wisdom are reverberating still.

One of the nurses reminded me that today is the first day of spring and as I look out into the garden and think of my battered little boy in the hospital bed, I am hopeful of all that it may bring.

love, light and blessing,
Aida


P.s. I apologize in advance if I cannot get back to you immediately.

p.s.s. I will however keep you posted as the days progress.

A-goo

Marcel Joao says a-goo!

Marcel Joao's Heart

Dear Friends and Family,

Some of you may or may not be aware that our nine-week-old son Marcel Joao was born with a serious heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. He will require open heart surgery to correct the condition which is scheduled for next Wednesday, March 19th. Our boy is so delightful and strong it is difficult to believe that he is so sick.

While there is not much that people can do logistically to support us, we are asking that you help us create an energetic circle of love around him from now, through the surgery and some weeks beyond. On Wednesday beginning at 11 AM, if you are able, please light a candle, or whisper your most positive mantra or prayer for Marcel Joao as he goes in. We are told that the operation will last about 4 to 5 hours. The doctors expect Marcel to live a normal life after his six week recovery and there is a twenty percent chance that he may need another operation before he is a teenager. I am beside myself over all that he will have to endure but it is our hope that our loving intentions will also help heal his broken heart.

We will be at Children's hospital in Oakland. For those of you that were with us during our first born daughter Amaly's life, you know that we are no strangers to this hospital. While we cannot be there without thinking about Amaly and the sadness and difficulty of that time, we are hopeful of a much different outcome. Children's hospital is the most amazing place swarming with real pain and suffering but also with extraordinary rays of light that the children emit in their innocence.

Thank you for your love and support.

con mucha esperanza,
Aida
www.blogamama.blogspot.com

p.s. a few photos of our sweet baby Joao to help you bring him into your mind's eye
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